I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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