No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
