apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
