I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
