3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
