No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize