had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
