My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
