I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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