Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
