Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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