I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
