Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
