just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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