I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
