i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
