Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im holly from the hills drunk
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
