He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize