I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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