I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
