This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize