The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
