Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
