My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
