I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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