he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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