im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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