Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
