how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
don't judge my taste in strippers
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
