I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
