I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
