My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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