I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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