I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
