I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
