I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize