i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
