Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
