I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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