It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
