...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
