I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
