put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize