I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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