my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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