you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
