it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
