you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
