I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
