We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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