There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
