omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
