neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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