i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
