Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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